Feeling lonely and being okay with it.

I want to talk about something I’m typically uncomfortable discussing unless it’s with my closest friends or better yet, my journal. And that is feeling lonely and being okay with it.

For 11 years straight, I was either in a relationship or ‘talking’ to someone. 11 years. I’m 30 now so essentially my entire adult life. You can only imagine how big of a shift it was for me to transition from thinking ‘we’ to ‘me’. It’s been a journey, I’ll tell ya that.

Fortunately, I’ve been using this time to do things I held myself back from. Things like dancing, climbing, partying, saying ‘yes’ to last minute trips, essentially doing whatever my heart desires without having to consider anyone else. It’s been fun, refreshing, eye opening, empowering even, and I’ve been so happy because of it!

But… if I’m to be completely honest with myself, as great as it’s been and as independent as I am (or appear to be), I still long for a partnership. For that deep connection. For someone I can take these trips with and have meaningful conversations with. For someone to accept me wholly, even my annoying traits, and I him. Someone I can grow with.

I used to get upset at myself for having these feelings. I’d try to ‘snap myself out of it’ by saying “self love” “detach” “you don’t need someone to be happy” and whatever other shit people say to hype themselves up.

But then I thought, wait… who said that just bc I think these things means I don’t have self love or that I’m unhappy? If anything, I’m happier and more proud of myself than I’ve ever been! Why does it have to be so black and white?

So here I am, saying that I am grey. Right in the middle. A mix of happy yet lonely, content yet curious. And I’m okay with it. It’s what makes me human.