The hour that changed my life.

I feel very proud today. Proud of my inner growth. Proud of choosing happiness. Proud of committing to healthier habits. Proud of being my true self. Or at least, doing my best to do things because I want to as opposed to doing things with the fear of what others might think (whether good or bad).

But one habit, in particular - one habit that I’m most proud of is scheduling a daily ‘intentional hour’ with Mayly.

Each morning, May & I meet in the kitchen, I whisk us some matcha (me: just matcha, hot water & honey, her: as an oat milk matcha latte) and then we ‘scrum it out’. Aka we each share what we did yesterday, what we’re doing today, and any blockers we have. This is the time we also share feelings of gratitude, frustrations, or just anything in general.

Afterwards, we do a 10 minute meditation through the calm app and then finish the hour either journaling, talking, or doing whatever else we need before continuing our day.

We’ve been doing this roughly 4-6 days a week since late December and yo.... I can’t even express the impact it has made on our lives. Before these sessions, each of us would just go with the motions of the day. We’d be on, on, on - all the fcking time. Wake up early, work out, grind, eat, sleep, repeat; and would only take a step back after we’d gone a bit too far. Or in other words, we’d slow down only because we’ve reached a point of mental exhaustion and would impatiently wait until we had the energy to do it all over again.

Let me tell you right now that this type of lifestyle is not sustainable. Sure, you’ll power through a few years but eventually it’ll catch up to you. Like it did with me last year.

I hit my lowest of lows in the last quarter of 2020. So low that everyone around me could feel it. My bosses, my teammates, friends, roommates. I didn’t want to talk about it. Nobody could talk to me about it. There was too much built up over years that I couldn’t find a way to express it. Ugh, I wish I could go on and explain how I felt in those dark moments but even just two months later, it feels like a distant dream that’s hard for me to recall. But trust me when I say that it was not pretty.

Of course, adding intentional hour into my life wasn’t the only thing I did to get me out of that. There were quite a number of lifestyle changes I made to pull me out of that hole. (More on that another day) But every morning, during and after our sessions, I find myself thinking “Wow, I am so glad we added this into our schedule.” “Wow, this has got to be my favorite part of the day.” “Wow, I really needed this.” “Wow, I feel so much more relaxed than I did before this.” “Wow, I’m really proud of how far I’ve come since we started this.” I’m not even exaggerating, I find myself thinking something along these lines every single morning that I look forward to having these feelings the next day.

And I think it’s because I realize that before these intentional hours, each of us (Mayly and I) rarely ever expressed how we felt not only to others but also to ourselves. Sure, I would journal or vent but that was usually in times when I was already pretty distressed. And there’s something different about expressing only when you need to vs expressing everyday on a consistent bases. Especially to someone close to you who’s familiar with what’s going on with your life on a day to day basis. I guess it’s kind of like eating an apple a day vs eating seven apples in one day.

Often times, we find ourselves instead, listening to the voice in our head. The voice that never shuts up. The backseat driver who always has an opinion on which direction you should go. Listening to this voice is dangerous and unless you’re pretty damn good at not identifying yourself with that voice, sometimes sharing these thoughts with a close friend, family member or significant other can help you. Not only as an ear but as someone to help remind you that you are not that voice. You are the one witnessing the voice and you can choose not to react to the negative thoughts. Whatever it may be. 

Anyways, I write all this just to say that I’m proud of myself. I’ve gone through a lot of shit these past few years (& all of ys, 2020) and though I almost let those things keep me down, I dedided otherwise. And that’s something to celebrate. Thanks for reading. (:

Carmelisa